Date: June 12th, 2018 2:01 PM
Author: I'm the most racist guy around. I'm the mayor
This week, Steve A. Boomer announced good news for his house: he will raise the price $100,000 or $150,000. Starter house prices in Boomerville will now reach $1,900,000, even higher than the $1,800,000 demanded in 2016, which set a new high bar for the universe at the time.
But that news isn’t as sweet for millennials looking to upgrade from a van down by the river. Millennial leaders have long expressed concerns over the completely insane explosion in residential real estate prices, with many turning to alternative housing providers or moving into their parents' basements despite earning professional salaries. In the past, boomers have met one anothers' housing increases, a cost that, at the end of the day, gets passed on to youthful idiots. So far, Palo Alto, Mountain View, La Jolla, Rye, Scarsdale and Darien have said they will match Boomerville's new pricing scale, and more suburbs may follow.
Millennial Faggot Partners reached out to a number of bitter millennials following Boomer’s announcement to gauge their reactions. Many opted to remain anonymous, but all displayed strong feelings about this development. Here are their responses, some of which have been lightly edited for clarity, length and girth.
Jayden Johnson, first-year associate at Latham:
“In the open market, there is little difference between a company raising prices for its goods or services and boomer increasing the price of his house. It is a cost of doing business. Those costs are typically passed along to customers in the form of higher prices or billing rates, except now, it's an ultimatum game with all the power allocated to one side. It’s normally up to the purchaser of those goods or services to evaluate whether the prices charged are commensurate with the value delivered, except that here, government at all levels protects boomer interests above all else. If a boomer feels it necessary to demand an extraordinary $1,900,000 to for a house he bought for $130,000 20 years ago, then that is his decision. Just don’t ask for me to pay for it, because Sallie Mae is already threatening to garnish my wages.”
A social media director:
“I find it unfathomable that not just one but many boomers believe that a first-year associate coming out of law school would be able to buy a house at any price.
The tone deafness is astounding. We as purchasers of housing keep asking how we're supposed to raise $380,000 for a downpayment when we have $100,000 of student loans at 7 percent. They respond by raising prices across the board. It is no wonder that the largest-growing segment in the housing industry over the past few years has been mobile homes marketed as "tiny houses". You can keep living in your ‘reality distortion field’ and demand$1,900,000. You certainly will attract CACB to come buy your property but we are buttchugging kombucha every day, you’re just too busy #metooing our girlfriends to notice.”
A barista with a JD:
“This sort of change is a continued example of the compounding costs of the traditional housing model. I can readily find roommates who have 10+ years of experience, and will work better, faster and with more know-how and practicality than any junior associate to share a converted closet in a 3BR for $2k/month.”
A law department operations professional:
"It's very hard to believe that not just one but many boomer homeowners believe that an oversized crapshack 20 minutes from the nearest subway or dildo store would command such a high opening offer. I don't even know how to drive a car."